married to a cop in 2020
My husband is a police officer. To be more specific he is a lieutenant in a big city. He’s good at it too. Policing is what he does, it is not who he is.
He’s a father. He’s good at it too. Really good. Next level, actually. I travel a little for work and when I’m gone people always ask me…
Who is watching your kids? Are they with your mom?
No. My husband is watching the kids.
Really? All three by himself?
Yes. Really.
I’m not offended by the question, I understand it. I forget sometimes that he is not the norm. When I am traveling and he’s with the kids they don’t watch TV all day. He takes them to the park and packs a picnic (complete with plates and napkins). He makes homemade popsicles. He plays frisbee and watches them ride their bikes in the culdesac. It’s not just when I’m out of town that he’s there for our kids. He takes my son to jiu jitsu (or did pre-covid). He makes up funny songs to sing to the baby when she’s fussing during a diaper change. He uses different voices when he reads the kids their bedtime stories. When our daughter was going through a hard time and had to leave daycare he stayed home with our 4 year old and a newborn for nearly 9 months while still working nights full time. When did he sleep? He stepped up for our kids because that is what our family needed at the time. His career took a hit because of it, but he put his family first because he’s a good dad and that’s what good dads do.
He’s a husband. An incredible husband. When we had our first child I would get up in the middle of the night to nurse and he was always up with me. He would change our son’s diaper so I could get ready to feed (it was a whole operation with the first baby). He would stay up with me or sleep on the floor until we were done and then help me get our son back to sleep. He always puts my needs ahead of his. You can say that he’s whipped but you would be wrong. He’s just a good guy. He does the right thing. Flowers every birthday, Valentine’s Day and anniversary. He never misses. Always 2 cards for every occasion - a funny one and a sentimental one, always complete with a long personal message that he usually signs “yours” which makes my heart skip every time I read it. For my birthday this year he baked and decorated a cake (like a tiered cake) from scratch because he knows that would make me feel special. I can be a bit dramatic and I once asked him how he stays so steady when I’m all over the place. He told me that he just lets me wear myself out. I love that. I don’t need him to hop on my emotional roller coaster. I need a strong and steady place to come back to and he’s always there. Never wavering. Remember when I said he holds down the fort when I’m traveling for work? When I come home he has the laundry done, the house cleaned and dinner either made or planned. Seriously? Seriously.
He's a brother and a son. The oldest of 7 boys. The first time I met his family is when I fell in love with him. We had been dating a couple of months and his mom and 5 of his younger brothers came to visit and we all went bowling. The way he treated his brothers was so sweet to see. He was an encourager and a helper. He showed his little brothers how to throw the ball better without being tough or judgemental. He carried his youngest brother on his shoulders when we left. When I saw the way he respected his mom and loved his brothers I knew that he was the one (and I was right).
He’s funny, smart, patient, kind. He’s handy and can build a deck or hang curtains like a boss. If I had to pinpoint the quality that makes him so special I would say he’s selfless. He puts others needs ahead of his own. He’s a servant.
Yes, he is a police officer but that’s not who he is, it’s just what he does. Who he is makes him really good at what he does.
It’s hard for me to separate who my husband is from what he does. When I see people bashing the police, it’s hard for me not to take it personally. It’s personal because my kid’s haven’t seen their dad in a week because his off days are cancelled and he has to work 12 hour shifts. It’s personal because I miss my husband. It’s personal because he puts himself in harms way with the intent to serve and protect. When I hear anti-police comments it feels like people are anti my husband - and that infuriates me. In those moments I have to take a step back and asses my heart. When I see social and racial injustice does it infuriate me? It makes me mad, it makes me sad, it hurts my heart but I don’t know that I can say it infuriates me. Why?… because it doesn’t effect me personally. Again, not justifying my response - I’m owning it. If I can’t be honest with myself, if I’m not willing to be wrong, if I can’t see another side - how can I grow? How can I help create change?
When I see people respond to bad cops doing horrible things with “not all cops are bad” I think it misses the point. I understand where people are coming from with “all lives matter” because of course all lives matter, but I think that also misses the point. There are complex, systemic issues with deep roots that will not be changed by a black square, a week of dedicated social media attention or “free” home goods from Target - not a dis, just the truth that it’s going to take more. I don’t pretend to know the answers. I know the farther away from a problem we are the simpler the solution seems but I can confidently say that the world would benefit from more husbands and dads like ours.
Kids need their dads. Wives need their husbands. Moms need their sons. That shouldn’t be a privilege.