I have never been a heavy drinker. The occasional cocktail when out with friends or on a date night with my husband. A glass of wine with dinner or when the kids went to bed to unwind. A beer to celebrate getting through a long week (or a long day). Nothing crazy. Nothing that would make me stop and think that I might be drinking too much.

I hardly ever kept alcohol in the house. Every once in a while I would grab a bottle of wine on my weekly grocery shopping trip or a pack of beer. Over time that occasional bottle of wine was no longer a once a month kind of purchase but more of a once a week. I found myself really looking forward to that glass of wine or that beer once the kids went to bed. My little reward for myself for making it through the day. I would never have more than one glass of wine or one beer a night. I really felt like it wasn’t a big deal.

Then I got pregnant.

I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child on my 35th birthday. I was shocked to discover that suddenly giving up that nightly reward/unwind drink was really difficult. Much more difficult than I was expecting. What I thought was just a little treat for myself I found was actually a habit I had formed. A habit that was hard to break. Not a very healthy habit.

After the first couple of months of pregnancy the cravings subsided….a bit. Truth be told I was really looking forward to a celebratory glass of champagne after the baby was born. When the baby came I was breastfeeding so I was very mindful about any alcohol intake, but once I was finished nursing I just picked up where I had left off prior to getting pregnant. Hey, working full time and having three young kids is a tough job and I deserved something to relax every night!

A few months ago I was out to dinner with my family at a local brewery. We go to this brewery often because everyone can get something they like and I can get my favorite beer on tap. During that dinner something just felt off for me. While I was having my beer and my husband drank his Arnold Palmer (he doesn’t drink alcohol) and the kids had their sodas and lemonade I had a thought. What the heck am I doing?

I was out having a lovely dinner with my family. Why did I “need” that beer? Was this necessary? What message was I sending my kids? What message was I sending myself? I don’t know why that day it just landed differently for me and I made a decision that I would not drink around my kids anymore. Not when out to brunch, lunch or dinner. Not even when they went to bed at night in case they wake up and need me.

Zero judgment to the moms that drink. This is not about you, this is about me. I didn’t like the feeling that I had when giving up alcohol was harder than I was anticipating. When things get hard and stressful I don’t want my response to be to have a little something to take the edge off (because that was my response). I want to learn to love all parts of being a mom and not just the fun things…and there are A LOT of not so fun things. Should I list them here? It’s probably not healthy to dwell on such things so I will move on.

Ok just one thing and then I’ll move on. We went out to dinner last week at that same brewery where I made a decision to stop drinking around the kids. During that dinner my sweet daughter spilled an entire glass of lemonade all over me. There was so much lemonade that my right shoe was filled with liquid. I cleaned up the table, took a deep breath and resisted the urge to just give in and get a drink, seriously I was soaked. We refilled the lemonade, got our food and darn it if my daughter didn’t spill a second completely full glass of lemonade all over me. This time filling both my left and right shoe with sticky lemonade. Meanwhile the baby was crying and the older two were fighting. It was exhausting. I really just wanted a drink to just escape a little and mentally get away from that moment. Except that I didn’t really in my heart of hearts want to get away. That table (soaked in lemonade) with my sweet husband and my three beautiful kids is exactly where I wanted to be. I didn’t really want to escape…well maybe to change my pants and shoes.

So why not stop drinking all together? Why only stop drinking around my kids? I don’t think drinking is “wrong”. I’m not saying I’ll never have another drink again. I don’t want drinking to be my way of dealing with stress from my work and more importantly the stress I feel as a mom. I want to demonstrate different ways to manage stress for my kids. That connection between stress and alcohol is what is not healthy for me. This is the decision I’ve made for myself and I’m sticking to it.