the working (from home) mom's guide to having it all
Look at me. Can’t you see how well I’m holding it together?
A few months ago I posted The Working Mom’s Guide to Having it All. It starts like this….There is no such thing as having it all. Being a working mom is hard. The end. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
Now that I’m working from home with three kids I wanted to revisit this post and updated it with things I’m learning in this new normal. I stand by that original post but there are some new strategies I’m implementing to keep myself sane and productive while maintaining a work life balance when everything is all mixed together 24/7.
I am so incredibly grateful that working from home is even an option for me right now. I am seeing so many people around me being furloughed and laid off. It’s heartbreaking. It’s possible to feel very grateful to have a job and feel very overwhelmed by how difficult it is to work from home with kiddos. It’s hard and it’s ok to acknowledge that it’s hard. Being “on” simultaneously as mom, working professional, substitute teacher and housekeeper is exhausting…oh yeah and wife. I’m a wife too! I do think it’s possible to get through and not just survive in these times but thrive….ok survive. This is actually just a survival guide.
#1 REDEFINE WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE IT ALL
I think there is an unnecessary and unrealistic self-imposed pressure to not so much “have” it all right now, but to “be” it all.
Model employee with a perfectly curated Zoom call background, zero evidence of children audibly or visually, more productive than when going into the office.
Pinterest level mother providing picture perfect enriching activities for the kids outlined on a daily schedule that is hanging in the kitchen, serving 3 healthy and balanced meals every day and never using TV or technology to get some quiet time.
Fun substitute teacher delivering lesson plans and making sure all the schoolwork is completed and all material is understood, but is also fun.
Deep down I know that this is not possible but there is still a part of me that wants to try anyways and then feels like a failure when I don’t measure up.
I’ve decided that I just have to give myself some grace. This is temporary and I have to adapt and change. My roles are going to look different right now and that is ok. All I can do is my best and take me peace that that is good enough. Mac and cheese (from the blue box) and frozen corn dogs for lunch? If the kids are fed - good enough!
#2 GET READY
Physically and mentally - get ready every day. I physically get ready for the day as if I’m going to the office. I do my hair and makeup. I’ve never had to look at myself so much in my life! I’m on video calls all day long and I like to feel good about what I’m looking at all day. Pro tip: there is a filter on Zoom that helps smooth the wrinkles a little bit. 10/10 recommend. Go to video settings and then check “touch up my appearance”. This is not a replacement for getting ready but every little bit of assistance helps.
I get ready for the day like I’m going to the office but I mentally get ready for a day unlike anything I’ve ever experienced at the office. It is mentally draining working from home while trying to keep the house in order and parent/homeschool/referee the kids. I think it is important to mentally accept that you need to adapt and ride the wave. Prioritize, make plans, prepare but just know that things may go sideways and you will have to do your best to roll with it.
#3 PRIORITIZE
You can do anything but you can’t do everything. You can’t! You can take care of the most important things and you can (and must) let go of the things that aren’t critical, especially in a lockdown situation.
Here is what works for me. Before I start my day I identify 3 things that must be done that day for work and 1 thing I must do at home. Although I have an ongoing and very long personal and professional “to do” list looking at all of the things I need to get done all day long is very overwhelming. Focusing on the things that must be done that day keeps me on track and not overwhelmed (or at least less overwhelmed). I find that it is more satisfying crossing 1 item off a 3 item to do list vs 1 item off a 100 item to do list.
If I have time to get to more things great! I move on to the longer to do list but it’s helpful to know what my priority is for each day. Limiting the priorities is important. It might feel like you need to do everything, but you don’t. You may need to ask yourself, will I get fired if this doesn’t get done today? You may need to ask yourself will someone die if this doesn’t get done today? Just because you didn’t get it done today, doesn’t mean that it won’t ever get done. Try to focus on the most important things every day.
#4 PLAN
Now is not the time to “wing it”. If you are not a planner, this is the perfect opportunity to become a planner. If you are a planner you are screaming at your computer… You are out of your mind! You can’t plan anything right now! You can plan but you have to be flexible. If you aren’t flexible you will drive yourself crazy. You may be able to scoot by under normal circumstances being a control freak. I know this because I am a control freak and I think I get away with it 90% of the time (cue husband saying “no you don’t”). When you are about to be on a video call and your kids decide to break out into a fight right as you turn on the camera you realize your illusion of control is just that, an illusion.
SCHEDULE
I try to plan my day the night before. I make a spreadsheet like this for each day. I start plugging in the times I will need to have the house quiet and distraction free. I make sure my son is doing school work during that time that won’t require my help. I set my daughter up with an activity that will occupy her for that time. I do my best to schedule things around the baby’s nap schedule, but it’s not always possible. Once the “quiet times” are in place I plan out meals. I want to make sure I have time to make meals because hungry kids means lots of questions (when are we eating, is it lunchtime, can you get me a snack). This is inevitable so I plan ahead to try and get ahead of the questions as best I can. When possible I plan for an early lunch, 11am or 11:30am, and I know that is another small window of quiet time where I can knock out important work. Once calls and meals are scheduled in I figure out where else in the day I’m going to be able to get my work done.
I go over the schedule with the kids in the morning so they know what to expect. 0 days go according to plan, but every day that starts with a plan is 100 times more productive than the days that start without one.
SCHOOL
I’m sure that everyones at home digital learning looks different. This seems to vary by school district and grade. I have it pretty easy with only one child in school and in second grade. He gets a sheet that has all of his assignments for the day and then worksheets or links to the lessons. I print out the assignments in the morning, go over everything with him and we do the most challenging things first together. Once those are out of the way he can work independently. Some days he knocks it out in an hour. Other days he wants to take lots of breaks. What I’ve found that I need to give him the space to work on his own schedule. Trying to control him and teach him lessons about focus, determination, time management are just not worth it to me right now. Me trying to control generally leads to frustration and tears (from both of us) and it’s not worth damaging our relationship over when he gets his work done.
(Side note: I can’t bring myself to say I’m “homeschooling” because it’s a dis to legit moms who homeschool. I’m not even a substitute teacher I’m more like the coach who gets asked to sub a class and let’s everyone play hangman on the whiteboard.)
BABIES and YOUNGER KIDS
The babies and younger kids are the most difficult. I have an 18 month old and a 5 year old and keeping them occupied can be hard. But I don’t need to keep them occupied all day. I prioritize when I need them to be doing something. Worst case scenario it’s a little movie time while I have a call. I hate technology for kids, I wrote a whole post about it, but this is unique. I still don’t let them have their tablets, I'm holding out on that, but a little extra TV time is not going to kill them.
stuff
If you’re desperate, here is a list of things I use to distract the kids.
Play-Doh
Water Color Paints
Beads like this
Beads like this
Beads like this
Nuggets - not cheap but awesome
Yo-Yo this one is great for beginners
I’m too cheap to pop for it but if I had the extra cash I would be buying one of these for the living room.
HOUSEWORK
I can get lazy about housework but being at home 24/7 has made me get more disciplined. Not perfect! Just better to keep enough order that the mess doesn’t stress me out. After meals all dishes get cleaned up and counters are wiped down. I don’t leave dishes in the sink to deal with later. I make sure I schedule enough time for meals that I will be able to clean up. I also schedule at least one 10 minute “spin” around the house. I set a timer and go around collecting toys, wiping down toilets, restoring order. It’s amazing what you can get done in 10 minutes and it keeps things from being completely out of control and keeps my workspace productive.
#5 CREATE A PRODUCTIVE WORK SPACE
My most productive space to work is at the kitchen counter. I’ve tried my bedroom, it’s too comfy and I don’t like mixing my work vibes with my relaxing and sleeping vibes. Before I start the day the kitchen is clean. The counters are cleared. I get myself a big glass of water. I diffuse some oils and I have a candle on hand just in case. I create a space to be productive. I suggest you figure out the area of your house where you are most productive and it may not be your home office (if you have one). I don’t have a home office space, but if I did there is no way I would be productive unless I could keep an eye on the kids while there. Working out of the kitchen allows me to see most everything that is going on and where I don’t have eyes I have Wyze. I’ve posted about this little camera before but I will say it again here. These $25 cameras work on wifi and you can view them through an app on your phone. You can talk through them too! Money well spent.
#6 GET OUTSIDE
One of the hardest things about working from home is that there is no break in the day. There are no natural transition times. I miss my drive to work when I can transition from “mom mode” to “work mode”. I miss going out to pick up lunch to get a break from the office. I miss my drive to pick up the kids when I can regroup and prepare to go back into “mom mode”. I try to get outside every day. I can’t always go for a walk but sometimes I just sit in the driveway or on the front steps of the house. You are not meant to be stuck in one place for weeks on end. Make time to get outside.
I find that when I’m getting really stressed and overwhelmed it’s helpful to take a five minute break and get outside in the fresh air. 10/10 recommend.
I have also found that Wednesdays are the toughest for me and the kids. I started to schedule little outings on Wednesdays with the kids to get a treat. Just something quick like driving through Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks. It gives the kids something to look forward to. It gives us all a break in the day and gets us out of the house. If you find that there is a certain day of the week that is tough plan something on those days that you and the family can look forward to.
#7 BE GRATEFUL
This is still (in my opinion) the key to having it all. Knowing that you already have it all. It is ok to feel overwhelmed or anxious or tired, just don’t camp out there. It’s good to write down the things that you’re grateful for and to meditate on those things when you are tired or stressed. If you are a mom working from home boom! Two things to be grateful for straight out of the gate. A job you’re able to do from home and you’re a mom. So much to be grateful for. Your attitude will shape your quarantine experience much more than your circumstances. You don’t have control over your circumstances but you have control over your attitude so let me suggest it be one of gratitude.
Just a family on Easter trying to master the self timer because no one can come take our picture.
I hope there is something in this post that is helpful to someone. I certainly don’t have it all figured out. This is temporary. Things will be normal again. Hang in there. Don’t worry about this.